Sunday, February 28, 2010

Soccor World Cup Survival Kit goes on sale soon...

from News24 blogs

Due to the huge (apparently?) numbers of not so intelligent streetwise foreigners due to arrive on our shores, obviously their health and safety is top priority as if they get dead or something, they might say bad things about us. Yes?

So in light of this fact before me I have decided to put together a WCSSK or WCSSK for short, to assist visiting soccer tourists survive our land of crime and corruption milk and money.

Upon arrival at the chosen point of entry into SA the naïve foreigner will be able to purchase the WCSSK package at a nominal price.

All WCSSK’s shall include: (Hopefully, because good hard working staff are hard to find)

*1 condom, with instructions stapled to it for ease of use, there is only one coz the tourist will probably get mugged, raped or sold into the slave trade during his first sexual encounter with an SA horizontal pleasure hostess.

*1 Nato type Flak Jacket for those chilly late night walkabouts in down town Jozie. The flak jacket will allow said tourist to carry large sums of foreign currency, expensive camera, and passports all whilst leaving his hands free to hold them above his head during the real African experience of being robbed at gun point by a drugged up xenophobic Nigerian refugee. (They tame and don’t kill as easily as our locals)

*1 B23T Heavy armour military Kevlar vest as worn by Pope John Paul the 5 during his unexpected fall from the motorcade after being shot fifteen times by a deranged hit man. This Kevlar vest will stop all incendry rounds and lesser threats if fired at by suspected hit men during violent street protests due to poor service delivery. Ballistic helmets will be sold separately.

*1 Old South African Map Book, containing all the old street and town names as some towns have failed to partake in the new unabridged renaming process. For an extra thirty five hundred dollars you can purchase a GPS to support the navigational process of getting horribly lost in the middle of Alexandra or Kayelitsha.

*1 Tin of spray on Tan for those German tourists that may just wish to wear sandals WITHOUT socks whilst wandering along coastal promenades. If the German tourist wishes he might also buy an African language translation dictionary should he wish to sample the wares of a Horizontal Pleasure Hostess?

*1 Duncan Fernley Willow Wood Cricket bat as used by that gay spin bowler during the last ashes five-day test, AND a complimentary 5L tin of New Improved Doom with Dphen to keep glue sniffing street kids at bay while you withdraw money from the ATM or happen to be standing around after your hire car has been hijacked.

*1 Hostage Negotiation Manual with relevant phrases in all eleven official languages just in case you happen to be in the Home affairs office or Banking institution when a crazed customer loses the plot after waiting close on 5yrs for what ever document and decides to make front page news to get his story heard.

*1 Stainless Steel and Titanium Vuvuzela Look a like, to put an end to the demented fool sitting next to you’s constant drone about how bad (Insert Team Name Here) have been playing. These fine works of art have been lovingly crafted by orphaned Somalian refugees that swam the Limpopo river during the 2009 floods, to look like a Vuvuzela but are in fact deadly weapons that can be used to beat blubbering soccer louts from Britain to a pulp with out looking suspicious. Obviously they can be painted in your favourite team colours.

*1 Get out of Jail free card (its actually a visa gold card loaded with R1000000 credit) this can be used to bribe police officers, government ministers, and obtain highly profitable government tenders. The card can also be used at roadblocks when faced with drunk driving, driving under the influence of mind altering substances and of course driving while under a Horizontal Pleasure Hostess. (SAPS don’t take kindly to anybody getting screwed more than they do)

*1 free, Anc/ Inkatha/ Cope/ DA/ Ancyl/ T shirt, a food parcel and a forced bus ride to the nearest city centre just like the ones used to bribe millions of Impressionable South African voters during the 2009 National Elections.

*1 10kg bag of stones, a high-powered catapult, a box of matches, and 2 litres of unleaded petrol (depending on current fuel prices of course, it may only be 1liter, please check web site before ordering) so the tourist can also partake in South Africa’s newest national sports of Poor Service Delivery Protesting and or Violent University Fees Objection protest. The tourist will be allowed to return fire when shot at by the Police, upturn vehicles and burn all the buildings he may deem necessary to feel satisfied. (This is our top seller; do not be with out it!

*1 Pack of Long life Long Burning Candles and a top quality flint. So the tourist can make light of the expected black outs due to our national power suppliers inefficiency to comprehend that we might have just a few extra visitors. They will of course claim they were not aware of the problem.

*1 Pot hole repair Kit, this ingenious package includes, 50kgs of wet tar to fix that ghastly pot hole, as soon as the vehicle recovery team have managed to extricate your vehicle, 2 free tyre and rim repairs, one R10,500 insurance excess, a two night stay in a state hospital and a complimentary front page news paper headline if you manage to roll your vehicle after hitting said pot hole at speed.

*1 Parliamentary Handbook, so the tourist can figure out who is who in Government, to allow for intercontinental business dealing should said tourist have some sort of valuable merchandise to palm off into the illegal import market. Drugs, diamonds, gold and weapons are highly sought after commodities now days. Chinese tourists will not be legible for a handbook as they are in bed with the enemy and are already on first name terms with MP’s

This wonderful package has been loving put together by MISA Enterprises and will be selling faster than a smash and grab artist running from an intersection, Place your orders early to avoid delays in receiving your very own WCSSK or WCSSK for short.

3 Opinion(s):

Anonymous said...

What is needed in the SWC survival kit is a .40 Glock and plenty of ammunition.

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