Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Jokes on South African roads

I, today, am going to lump 2 little stories together.

The one is an opinion in the Mail & Guardian, that I have enjoyed, which then made me think of a joke email I received last week, about South African taxi drivers.

Because humor is important, I am publishing the joke one first.

Not that the second one is not funny!


Ferrari Formula 1 racing team recently fired their whole pit crew to employ a few young guys from the Soweto township in South Africa . This sudden reaction was due to a TV documentary showing how young Sowetans could take a car's wheels off within 6 seconds, without any fancy equipment .

Ferrari soon regretted their decision, however, as the young men not only changed the wheels within 6 seconds, but 12 seconds later the car had been re-sprayed and sold to the McLaren team.

Still eager to compete in the race and, since Ferrari no longer had a Formula 1 car to race with, they decided to race a Sowetan minibus taxi, complete with an experienced (yet unlicensed) driver and Fare collector, in the Grand Prix..

Of course they easily won the race, since the minibus weaved its way through the start grid, set off before the lights changed and didn't bother to change the tyres when they wore out. It also took all corners at maximum speed, as the brakes were non-existent. On the way to victory, the new Ama-Ferrari-Ferrari team also managed to hijack several competitors' cars, and picked up 35 passengers at some notoriously dangerous spots, including blind rises, as well as in the chicane. We can be proud of another South African sporting achievement which will put us at the forefront of sporting history .

Driving Miss Dickmobile
Oct 27 2009 07:33

What is the common thread that draws South Africans of all colours, creeds and credulities together? Is it their shared past, their hope for the future, their love of alliterating the letter c? No, it's the fact that they all drive like dicks.

Okay, not all. Just almost all. In fact, there are so many dicks on our roads, it's impossible to differentiate among them. Until now, that is. Ladies, gentlemen and racist little girls, as the ANC Youth League says when addressing a gathering, I give you -- the £1million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition Armoured Car SUV.

This Russian-built baby is produced by RussoBaltique, the same company that built armoured vehicles for Tsar Nicholas, Vladimir Lenin, S'bu Ndebele and Leon Trotsky. (Only three of these people were in fact customers. Reader, can you guess who the odd man out is?) The vehicle comes with gold-plated bulletproof windows and a tungsten exhaust. The gauges are encrusted with diamonds and rubies, and the exterior has a Kevlar coating. And best of all, the seats are made out of whale-penis leather. Yep, finally we have an answer to that age-old question: what do you give the dick who has everything? That's right -- his very own dick to sit on.

Now I'm aware that this is a fantastic advertising ploy. After all, agency creatives and car manufacturers have long known that a car is an extension of a man's penis, or in the case of politicians, a non-gendered extension of their general quality of being dicks. So what better selling point than seats made out of whale-penis leather? They don't come bigger than that (ahem).

The website for the Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition Armoured Car (I know -- it's a bit of a mouthful) says the whale-penis leather is inspired by the bar stools in Aristotle Onassis' yacht, which were covered in whale foreskin. Phew, talk about the Greek persuasion. But whereas the rest of big Ari's yacht, the Christina O, could conceivably be described as "stylish", the Dartz Dickmobile can only be described as 'the end of European civilisation as we know it."

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