Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Zuma explains he promised 500,000 knobs not jobs

JOHANNESBURG. In a rare public statement since taking office, reclusive president Jacob Zuma says he was misquoted on job creation, saying that he never promised half a million jobs by the end of the year but rather half a million knobs. He promised a speedy rollout of the knobs and has reportedly appointed Julius Malema as Chief Knob to oversee the knobbing programme.

Zuma's promise in early June that he would create 500,000 jobs in six months was met with surprise by economists and other people with Grade 4 educations who wondered how the President planned to defy the worst global recession since the 1980s.

However in early July Zuma appeared to be defying his critics as he created nine jobs, appointing three people to chaperone his wives to public events and six to wheel life-sized mannequins of himself back and forth in front of the Presidency windows to reassure voters that he was at work.

But in a dramatic about-face this morning the President explained that he had been misquoted, and that he had intended to roll out half a million knobs, not jobs.

"What this country needs is knobs," he said. "Millions and millions of knobs. This government has always been very clear on that."

He said that the new programme would bring dignity to millions of households that had to suffer the humiliation of pulling doors shut with pieces of wire or string.

"We will put knobs on everything," he vowed, describing how specially appointed Knobbing Cadres would weld knobs to buses, lampposts and all government buildings.

He added that any South African wishing to have a knob attached to anything could apply at their nearest Home Affairs office. He said that Home Affairs had extended their working hours and were now open from 11am until 11.25am on Tuesday mornings.

According to Zuma, the knobbing of South Africa would be overseen by the ANC Youth League's Julius Malema, who had been appointed as Chief Knob and would report directly to the Presidency about how many voters had been willingly or unwillingly knobbed every week.

"I cannot think of a more appropriate Chief Knob," said Zuma. "Can you?"

Assembled journalists agreed that they could not.

Asked when the government planned to start fulfilling its election promises, Zuma smiled for a long time and then began to sing and dance.

8 Opinion(s):

Anonymous said...

Bloody funny!

Thomas J Wolfenden said...

Brings a whole new meaning to the term "Knob Job"!

Exzanian said...

LOL - Zuma thinks with his "knob"

Anonymous said...

i am laughing myself stupid thinking this cant be true it must be a joke.Is this for real?

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha - Home Affairs extended hours from 11am to 11.25am - hahahahaha

Buzzd said...

Thank you, kindly - it's always fun laughing whilst being trod upon.

But I'm sure 'their' president meant to say 'create new job losses' and not 'create new jobs'. A typo in yet another statement he had difficulty reading, amidst frequent lip wetting. We will far exceed all expectations! Way to go!

As long as potential employers are unfairly treated, potential employees will remain potential employees. And their numbers will increase.

Anonymous said...

@daBuzzd: Yet another job loss created!

The last member of the iron and steal industry I hired 5 months ago has, like the last of the Mohicans, now left the premises for good. Stole a cellphone, broke ornaments, wrecked clothes, demanded airtime for what was probably my own phone, demanded wheelbarrow in courtyard, demanded flexitime to take care of her babies for grants business, finally canned due to lack of affordability on my side.

It's not so bad doing it yourself, after all. Those forlorn dog brown eyes, beseeching for more ... I can handle it from my doggies, but not from a devious coon. I have very good security, so don't expect the dogs to be poisoned as a reprisal. But still, best never again.

Anonymous said...

@ Dach, "member of the iron and steal industry" LOL! Since being in Aus, I've found that what the maid used to do we can do in a few hours every other day. That's with three little kids running around. I cannot see what my maid in SA used to do in 8 hours. I guess I kept her on because it was her vs me doing it. Anyhoo, saving myself a bloody fortune without having like you say the constant pestering for this or other ailment that befell her or a relative.