Thursday, April 30, 2009

Fish Hoek free of swine flu, but South Africans would rather die

CAPE TOWN. The Cape Town coastal suburb of Fish Hoek has been declared officially free of swine fever, but most South Africans say they would rather contract the disease and hemorrhage out of their orifices than live in Fish Hoek.

Meanwhile SADC ministers are meeting to discuss whether Africa's response to the disease should be tardy, inept, or non-existent.

World health bodies have regularly warned tourists about visiting Fish Hoek, one of the few settlements in Africa where clinical depression is contagious and can be caught simply by looking at the town's architecture.

However, this morning an official from the Paris-based Doctors Without Overdrafts confirmed that the town was free of swine flu, possibly because nobody from the outside world ever traveled there willingly.

"South Africans should consider Fish Hoek their port in a viral storm," explained Dr Frottage Croissant. "You will be safe in Fish Hoek. Depressed, yes, and perhaps murderously bored, but safe.

Fish Hoek's mayor, Clive Colonoscopi, said that refugees would discover a town with its eyes fixed firmly on the future. He said residents were very excited about the imminent arrival of the 1970s, due to hit Fish Hoek some time next year, which would bring such benefits as colour television and contraceptives.

However, he said contraceptives would probably not be needed as nobody had had sex in Fish Hoek since March 1957 when Darrel Sludge tripped over a garden gnome and repeatedly fell on his wife.

He added that the town's teen suicide rate was also very low, mainly because there were no trees tall enough to hang from.
However child psychologist Sandi Velcro-Studd warned against complacency, saying that many Fish Hoek teens were turning to charismatic religion without proper guidance.

"We're seeing a lot of injuries, usually from playing keyboards or tambourines in unregulated orgies of worship," she said.
"The kids are too scared and confused to come forward, so they try to disinfect their injuries with Stoney ginger beer or vinegar from the fish and chips place on the main road, and sepsis sets in."

Meanwhile the swine flu crisis is being discussed by Health Ministers from the Southern African Development Community, who have met to discuss whether the region's response to the pandemic should be tardy, inept, or non-existent.
"Obviously SADC has a tradition of responding to health crises in a particular manner," explained SADC spokesman Elastoplast Phiri.

"Our response to the cholera outbreak in Zimbabwe really established as a the leading dispenser of workshopped rhetorical approaches to African healthcare, and we need to take that energy forward in talking about possible solutions in an enthusiastic but non-binding fashion.

"Hayibo Parody

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