Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Zuma to emulate Obama inauguration except bulletproof glass to be in front of crowd

PRETORIA. Jacob Zuma has reportedly slammed his aides for planning a "totally kak" inauguration for him after seeing the pomp and ceremony of Barack Obama's historic swearing in as President.

According to insiders Zuma's ceremony was to have been based around traditional rituals such as a stripper jumping out of a cake.

The inauguration of Obama as the 44th President of the United States, the 14th Big Kahuna of Hawaii and the 2nd Grand Inquisitor of Guantanamo Bay, was watched by hundreds of millions of people around the globe, but Zuma insiders said his initial excitement quickly turned to rage when he saw the scale and sophistication of the event.

According to one witness, who wished to remain anonymous because he did not want to be metaphorically killed by Julius Malema,

Zuma was "extremely distressed" by the short musical performance by a quartet of American greats that included cellist Yo-Yo Ma.

According to the witness, Zuma demanded to know if he was also going to get "a Chinese guy playing a massive violin" at his inauguration.

"We told him that Mr Ma was probably not available, but that we had found a girl in Brakpan who could play Awlethu Mshini Wami on a saw, and a dog that could howl the first part of Nkosi Sikelel' iAfrica if you twisted its tail enough.

"He said those sounded 'awesome' but that he still wanted a Chinese guy with a massive violin, or else the whole day would be 'totally kak'.

Meanwhile the company that won the tender to organise Zuma's inauguration, Mthembu Chicken Farms and Industrial Solvents Inc, has conceded that it will have to rethink its original plans.

"We were pretty much going to focus the whole event around a stripper jumping out of a cake," said CEO Slasher Mthembu. "It seemed appropriate to Msholozi's whole political approach.

He said other plans that had been axed included a performance of 'I'd Do Anything For You, Dear' from the musical Oliver! sung by Julius Malema; a praise poet telling an interesting parable about a crocodile and a steam-roller; and the symbolic hanging and burning of an effigy representing the South African judiciary.

However he confirmed that one plan that would not change was the installation of a large barrier of bulletproof glass.

"It's a lot like the one Barack had up in front of the podium," said Mthembu. "Except it's about thirty times longer and it's going up in front of the crowd. "It's not that we don't trust Mr Zuma, it's just that we don't want to cramp his style on his special day.

If he wants to squeeze off a couple of slugs from his mshini while doing his victory dance up on the podium, far be it from us to rain on his parade."

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