Mamparas

It takes rare skill, talent, nerves of steel and sheer determination to make such a resounding debut into mamparadom.

And this moegoe, despite his young age, beat all the other mamparas hands down through his unparalleled persistence at coining gems of mamparaspeak — from the time he told the nation that he would kill for Jacob Zuma to the time he promised to bury “dead snake” Thabo Mbeki.

We were the least surprised when it came to light that the young man with verbal cholera had obtained a G symbol in woodwork. It takes rare determination to plumb that low. Only a person with a wooden head would be capable of creating all the countless gems of oratory this mampara has proudly coined. The next time you see him, knock gently on his head and listen.

His success at coining stuff that guarantees him a position in the annals of mamparadom is testimony to his unique heritage — he was dropped on his head when he was young.

It was symbolic that at the conference which voted him into power, delegates not only plunged into rivers of booze, but they went on to pose for newspaper cameras exposing their big bums.
Having this mampara as president of the ANC Youth League was indeed a bum deal for the country’s young people. Apart from the show of buttocks, the election was replete with chair-throwing competitions and vote rigging.

When some decent members of society raised concerns about the abrasive nature of our young people, the mampara was highly amused, and said as much: “We need to appreciate that when young people meet, the situation gets heated, and we were very fortunate there was no blood on the floor. You must never underestimate the energy of young people, because by character they will fight each other if they disagree.”

From then on, this mampara had other contestants eating dust, so determined was he to not only make an impressive debut into mamparadom, but to make sure he widens the gap between himself and other pretenders to the throne.

One remarkable thing about this mampara is his zest for the absurd, his boundless energy at creating everlasting pieces of verbal twaddle, and his inability to appreciate just what a flibbertigibbet he is. Being a nincompoop is second nature to him. Imbecile is his middle name.

He is dimmer than an Eskom power station in load-shedding season, whackier than Manto Tshabalala-Msimang on her cocktails of olive oil, garlic, beetroot and Jack Daniels, more stubborn than Thabo Mbeki after an Internet surf session, more humpty-dumpty than Jacob Zuma in everyday life, and more cuckoo than Robert Mugabe in front of a microphone.

Nothing and no one is safe from Mamparalema when he shoots from the lip. When the jellytsotsi gargoyle is firing on all cylinders, you run for cover, because he has borrowed the mshini from his mentor the Right Reverend Kangaman.

This mampara has set such high standards that it should not be a surprise if he retains the prestigious honour next year — he is maturing like good mampoer.

Julius Woodwork Malema , it gives us great pleasure to place upon your wooden head the crown of 2008 Mampara of the Year.

Mampara For Life
The competition for the coveted throne of mamparadom was so stiff that the panel of judges was left with no choice but to create a new category in this popular contest: Lifetime Achiever.

Year in, year out, this lecherous, heartless Gorgon has worked hard to secure his place at the top of the mampara pile. His remarkable, never-to-be-repeated feat was to lose an election he had already rigged. Now, that’s rare talent — even by Zimbabwean standards.

Having lost, he then went on to ingeniously come up with a proposal — with Mbeki’s support — of a power-sharing deal with a difference.

The deal would see him, the loser, remaining in power, while the winners, the Movement for Democratic Change, would get third place and some crumbs from the power table.

It takes a vampire of the lowest order to derive mirth from the deaths of more than 1000 of his own people through cholera. It is a Western conspiracy, this mampara said of the cholera scourge. It had been cooked in some secret laboratory in the West, with the sole aim of killing Zimbabweans and discrediting their government.

This Gorgon’s imagination and creativity can only be matched by his gargantuan ego. His Hitlerian streak is the stuff of horror movies.

Robert Gabriel Mugabe has fought with great fortitude and he wins, hands down, the title of Mampara for Life!