Scuffle in Oval Office as Zuma asks for machine gun

WASHINGTON DC.

U.S. authorities have confirmed that a "brief scuffle" took place in the Oval Office of the White House yesterday morning after South African leader Jacob Zuma asked to be handed his machine gun during a meeting with President George W. Bush.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is reportedly "flustered but fine" after being used as a human shield. Zuma, the president of the ruling African National Congress, is currently on a visit to the United States where he is trying to reassure foreign investors that they will not be put in a pot, boiled and eaten if they come to South Africa.

According to White House spokesman Ecclesiastes Norris the scuffle allegedly broke out while Zuma and Bush were exchanging traditional greetings. "President Bush had just finished demonstrating how to rope a steer and was removing the lasso from around Secretary Rice's shin, when Mr Zuma broke into song," said Norris.

He confirmed that the song had been Zuma's war-cry, 'Awlethu Mshini Wam'. He said Bush had been captivated and had complimented Zuma on the "crazy Afro jive and pumping tribal rhythms".

The President had then asked what "Awlethu mshini wam" meant. When told it translated as "Bring me my machine gun", Bush reportedly stopped kneeling on Rice's neck and hauled her up in front of him as a human shield.

Norris said that Bush's Secret Service minders had finally persuaded him to release the Secretary of State by briefly rendering him unconscious with a Vulcan sleeper grip to the neck.

However, he said, Bush remained indignant after coming to, telling Zuma that "going all jungle fever might wash with Obama but there's still a white man in this office, you dig?" Once order had been restored the two leaders discussed the international financial crisis, at which point Bush reportedly offered to buy South Africa with the money in his wallet.

He apologized for not being able to pay more for the country but explained he had spent $10 on a pizza the night before and hadn't been to an ATM yet.

However Zuma declined, saying that cash transactions "always ended in tears with shredded faxes and unpleasant and hurtful recriminations".

The meeting ended cordially with an exchange of official gifts, said Norris.

He confirmed that Bush had given Zuma some beaver pelts, copper beads and a musket with the firing pin removed, while Zuma gave the American president a pass for the 2006/07 season at uShaka Marine World in Durban.