Saturday, August 30, 2008

Stop bitching about crime; send for the submarines

Why is it that every time the government does something positive to ensure our safety and security, you lot start moaning and bitching about crime, schools, hospitals and all the other unnecessary crap that we don’t need? I mean what is the point of their making the effort if this is the thanks they’re going to get?

Let’s backtrack a bit:

“South Africa placed a contract for three Type 209/1400 submarines in July 2000 on Howaldtswerke-Deutche Werft (HDW) and Thyssen Nordseewerke. The Type 209/1400 displaces 1 450t surfaced and 1 600t dived. The Type 209/1400 submarines replace the French-built Daphne Class submarines, SAS Spear, SAS Assegai and SAS Umkhonto which were decommissioned in 2003. (Crew 30 Length 62m Hull Height 5.8m Displacement 1 450t (surfaced) 1 600t (dived) Diving Depth 250m Maximum Surface Speed10kt Maximum Dived Speed 22kt)” — (

“According to ThyssenKrupp Marine Systems spokesperson Stephen Laufer, the total cost of the three submarines is E660-million, a price that includes the intensive training of the submariners and ongoing logistical support.

With a coastline that stretches around 3 000 kilometres, Defence Minister Mosiuoa Lekota said that the primary role of the submarines was to defend South Africa’s interests and territorial integrity. However, their role was “far greater”, he said, as they brought “to the region and the African continent a significant strategic deterrent capability”. He added that the submarines, together with the four new MEKO-class frigates already present at Simonstown, had strengthened the capabilities of the navy, enhancing South Africa’s regional reach and providing security for the entire Southern African Development Community.” — (

Have you got it so far?

We ordered three submarines to replace the aging Daphne Class submarines because should there be an invasion from the sea by let’s say Puerto Rica, we will now be able to defend ourselves.

Of course judging by the brilliance of the SANDF in the “Lesotho debacle” it might turn out to be a great buy. If we get attacked on land by a military giant such as Namibia, we can all sprint to the harbour to make sure we get a spot on the submarines ferrying survivors to safety.

But wait there’s more!

Because we purchased these items during the week they were running a special on submarines, they threw in a condom factory absolutely free and which they agreed to build in the Eastern Cape. Surely a tangible example of “when you are being screwed always make sure they bring the condoms”.

Now some of you may be asking yourselves how these submarines can ever be used in the war on crime. Surely all that money could have been better spent on uplifting the masses or upgrading areas such as schools, hospitals or even the police.

That is where you are being short-sighted.

What the navy can do is arm these submarines with nuclear warheads. Then if the police get a call to say that there is major drug deal going down in Welkom, instead of risking policemen’s lives they can simply radio the coordinates to one of our subs who can then nuke Welkom.

No more nonsense about drug dealers getting bail, bribing cops or giving the Scorpions affidavits, this is one push of the button instant-justice-time.

And let’s face it; would any of us really miss Welkom?

Of course we’ll have to nominate places that qualify for our nuke-rather-than-police policy. Those spots that we can all quite frankly live without.

In my case I did two years national service in Potch so you can mark me down for putting their name forward. You might have others that you believe are more deserving although in the case of Potch, I doubt it.

For my money they don’t even have to wait for a drug deal; just put in the pre-emptive strike.

And you thought the arms deal was a waste of money!

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