Tuesday, February 09, 2010

From Hayibo!

Mpumalanga denies it is banana province as last bananas stolen

NELSPRUIT. The premier of Mpumalanga has denied that he rules a corrupt "banana province", saying that in order to be a banana province you need bananas and all his bananas have been stolen or turned into frogs by witches. Meanwhile, he has offered his condolences to another rival who was the victim of a drive-by suicide.

The northeastern province, whose three main exports are timber, shredded accounting documents and dead political opponents, hit the headlines again on the weekend as allegations surfaced around a number of political assassinations ordered by a senior ANC official.

According to the Sunday Times, some ANC members had begged President Jacob Zuma to intervene before Mpumalanga become "a banana province".

However, this morning Premier David Mabuza hit back, saying that the label was unfair as the province's last remaining bananas – an official gift from the Prime Minister of Trinidad – had gone missing from his official safe.

"Some were stolen and the rest were turned into invisible frogs by our enemies the witches," explained Mabuza's spokesman, Caligula 'The Hammer' Mbete. He would not elaborate on why the witches were targeting bananas specifically, but said that the Premier would release a report in due course.

He also took the opportunity to extend the Premier's condolences to the latest opponent of the ANC in the province to commit suicide by shooting himself in the back 15 times from a passing car.

"We deeply regret the passing of Comrade Whistleblower Vilakazi," said Mbete. "To gun himself down like that while walking to the cafe to buy milk – well, no-one saw it coming. Least of all himself."

Asked why political opponents and business rivals of the ANC in Mpumalanga kept committing suicide, either by shooting themselves in the back from the windows of passing BMWs or by posting themselves bottles of poisoned whiskey, Mbete said that human psychology was "complex".

"Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives," he said. "Sometimes we are unlucky and we put in a tender for a World Cup stadium where we have no business putting in a tender, and then someone picks up our hourglass and shakes it a bit to help the sands run a bit quicker."

Asked if this was a veiled threat, he said that it was not.

"We don't make veiled threats in Mpumalanga," he said. "If we want to threaten you, you'll know."

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