Friday, February 05, 2010

The Diary of a South African That Left Gauteng to Live in The Highlands (UK)

This story could just as well have been Canada, except the temperatures are much colder. It is, of course, embellished; but truthful. Snow appeals to the new arrivals, but quickly becomes a chore. I don't mind the cold, but the snow does get you down. However, nothing like a bit of humour.

Our First Winter"

DEC 20th

It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful, peaceful and crime free. No pollution, traffic or SA taxis.

DEC 24th

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time in my life and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, such a beautiful sight. They had a snowball fight, and a couple of snowballs just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled the driveway again.

Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish – dirty grey color.

JAN 1st

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th

Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white shit last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That bastard with the snowplough came by twice today............ Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th

More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a fucking deer on the way to casualty and car was written off.

JAN 13th

The fucking white shit just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every piece of clothing just to go to the post box. The little cunts next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little bastard's arse’s it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the fucker that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael Schu-fucking-macher and buries the fucking driveway again.

JAN 17th

Sixteen more fucking inches of fucking snow and fucking ice and fucking sleet and fuck knows what other white shit fell last night. I am appearing in court today for moering the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can' t move my fucking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.

Minus 20 and more fucking snow forecast.

JAN 18th


12 Opinion(s):

eduard said...

You have to choose between the white snow or the black kaffir. Enjoy the snow or suffer the bullets.

Dmitri said...

Brilliant. Made my day - thanks

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. Last Christmas 2009 I went to Victoria BC. I was told beforehand they dont get snow and hadnt seen it in living memory.A few days before my departure from Johannesburg they closed the Airport in Seattle because of the heavy snow and when I did arrive in Victoria it was completely covered in snow. I nearly froze my goolies off in Butchart Gardens but it was nice to be in civilisation.

Exzanian said...

Had me in stitches! really funny.
It was cold last month here in South East Anglia, minus 7 at one point, but only about 1 foot of snow, so we had a ball! and thank goodness for central heating.

FishEagle said...

I've only seen snow about 3 times, EVER. Wish I could experience it more.

Piet the Pirate said...

Geez I think I wet my pants. That was brilliant. Thanks boet, you really cheered me up.

Leifur said...

People of Britain: Surrender and we will take our freezing weather back. Best regards, Iceland.

Viking said...

Dear Iceland:
we'll write off all your debts in exchange for some goodlooking women.

and you can keep the fish.
signed, United Kingdom.

FishEagle said...


Leifur said...

Well, we would rather sell you our fish, than our women. You see, the fish is a renewable resource, the beatiful women ain´t exactly.

Especially having a limited gene pool of only 300 thousand people, and having to exchange the lost women with others of maybe less quality, probably british as a steady supply of our beautiful women would create a surplus of british women who are... well, maybe that is our fault also:

FishEagle said...

@ Leifur, thanks for a good laugh.

Anonymous said...

Laughed my arse off!!!