Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Victimhood Rating Test

"She's 16, morbidly obese and illiterate. She lives in 1987 Harlem with her abusive, welfare-scamming, couch-potato mother. Oh, and she's already pregnant for the second time -- by her AIDS-afflicted father."


Be the first one on your block to get your official PIG-certified Oppression Rating. Don't just sit there, Sparky. It's so easy a child could do it, but he, she, heshe or it probably isn't that gullible. Can't wait to get started? That's the spirit, Sparky! Grab a crayon and some construction paper, answer PIG's Oppression Rating Test and you'll soon have exclusive bragging rights to your very own oppression rating.

Think of all the fun you'll have after you're armed with this incontrovertible proof of your victimhood. Thanks to your oppressor rating, you can dazzle your homies, torture the neighborhood oppressor and make everyone's life as miserable as yours.

Crayons ready? Let's get started with an easy one:

Q1: Are you female?

Y=Give yourself 75 points.
N=Give yourself 50 points.

Q2: Are you Asian?

Y=Score doesn't change; skip to Q10.
N=No points on this one, Sparky...better luck on the next question.

Q3: Are you an Amerikan-Born Hispanic?

Y=Add 5 points; skip to Q10.
N=Hang in there Sparky.

Q4: Are you a foreign born and Melanin-Enriched (Korrectniks prefer African-American)?

Y=Add 10 points; Skip to Q10.
N=Don't give up on yourself, Sparky.

Q5: Are you a Green Carded or Naturalized Hispanic?

Y=add 15 points; Skip to Q10.
N=No points on this one, Sparky, but you're heading for the Oppression Rating stratosphere.

Q6: Are you in this country illegally?

Y=We're shocked, shocked I tell you. Add 20 points; Skip to Q10.
N=It's make it or break it time Sparky.

Q7: Are you Amerikan born and Melanin-Enriched?

Y=Jackpot! Add 25 points; Skip to Q10.
N=Bummer! You were this close to the oppression index winner's circle.

Q8: Are you a caucasian female?

Y=Subtract 45 points; skip to Q10.
N=You're skating on thin ice, Sparky.

Q9: Are you a caucasian male whose name ends in 'ski'?

Y=Subtract 50 points.
N=If you're an unhypenated, straight, white male your ass is outta here, oppressor breath. Tear up your scorecard and leave quietly. Don't make us come over there.

Q10: Are you a conservative?

Y=Divide score by 2 and let that be a lesson to you.
N= Score unchanged, Comrade Sparky.

Q11: Are you a GLAAD BAAG (PIG-speak for the differently-heterosexual)?

Y=Add 10 points.
N=What's your problem, Sparky? Isn't it about time you took a walk on the wild side?

Q12: Are you a known "race traitor", "sellout" and/or any other type of "self-hating" ethnic dweeb?

Y= The PIG Oppression Rating central committee hereby declares you an oppressor. Tear up your score card and leave the room quietly.

N= Still with us, Sparky? Find a rational adult to help you total your score, then get ready to thrill everyone on your block with your Oppression Rating.


Below 25 - Pathetic. How do you stand yourself, Sparky?

25 to 49 - No cigar, Sparky, but you're in the victimhood hunt.

50-74 - Now you're talking, Sparky!

75 and Up - You're so damned oppressed it makes us puddle up. Go forth and make those oppressors miserable.

3 Opinion(s):

Anonymous said...

What an ugly looking welfare kaffir!

Anonymous said...

@ Anono 12:45.
niggers all look the same to me.

Exzanian said...

OK, at Q9 I bow out, tail between the legs. Boy, are we middle aged pale male types fucked or what?