Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Christmas wish list for the ANC

From Moneyweb's Michael Waddacor

With December 25 upon us, let’s not forget the country’s most “needy” folk – the ruling elite.

JOHANNESBURG - "More, bigger, better" seems to be the inherent meaning of the ANC's "A better life for all". After 15 years, the ruling elite have become so avaricious, pompous and self-centred, that a "Dear Santa" letter follows on the party's behalf.

Dear Santa

With Christmas looming, we're writing to you on behalf of South Africa's most needy folk. We hope you're feeling generous and humorous. With a persisting recession and rising unemployment throughout 2009, life has been particularly tough for millions of people in South Africa. Some of these folk deserve extraordinary attention.

Therefore, please organise a gargantuan fleet of reindeer-drawn sleighs and a proficient team of logistical experts. In addition, please abandon your customary red-and-white branding this year in favour of green, yellow and black. That way, Santa, we won't label you "racist" or "supremacist".

Foremost, please bring Jay Z another four or five voluptuous wives and a more palatial presidential pad. His new pad should feature:

a machine-gun shooting range;
a recording studio for making funny anthems;
20 bedrooms and ten bathrooms each with a free-condom dispenser;
a bulletproof, chauffeur-driven Bentley or Rolls-Rolls for each of his new wives; and
a luxurious guest wing to accommodate VIPs like Zapiro.

For the rest of our Cabinet, please present each minister and his or her deputy matching "his" and "hers" cars worth at least R2m each. We think a Mercedes-Benz SLC 500 should set the minimum standard for ministerial wheels. For our hardworking former finance minister, True Loverman, we hope you'll make a special concession by parking a £1m-plus Bugatti under his Christmas tree.

With most of the world's car plants being underutilised, perhaps you can help to resuscitate the global economy (including ours) by bringing all state employees a new car complete with:

a satellite navigation system;
a top-of-the-range iPod, laptop and cellphone; and
a boot full of gold bars.
For our Yoof Leeg baas, Julius Jackass, please upgrade his domestic and personal security, as well as his wheels of choice and his luxury Sandton pad. He also needs:

a decent English-Pedi dictionary;
a set of access-all-areas security cards for each of our campuses of higher learning; and;
a high-tech White Trash detector should he still want Sandown and its precincts to be cleansed ethnically.

Blood River II

With South Africa preparing to host the 2010 FIFA World Cup, we'll need at least 30 of the fattest and finest bulls to be slaughtered as part of the opening ceremony. The international media wasn't around to document the original Battle of Blood River, so we don't want Africa's debut FIFA World Cup to be a disappointment. If the Spanish can attract so many tourists each year with their bullfights and bull runs, can you imagine our tourism potential if we have a constant supply of bulls to slaughter?

On the topic of entertaining public slaughters, David Bullard reminded us recently that our Buffoona-Buffoona squad needs a competent new coach. Especially if we want to watch our team scrape its way into the second round of the FIFA World Cup. Therefore, Santa, please bring our soccer boys:

a skilled new coach;
a heavyweight assistant coach;
two middleweight assistant coaches; and
an assortment of fitness and motivational coaches.
As always, the magnitude of their fees is irrelevant.

We also desperately need smart executive coaches for our flagging state-owned enterprises (SOEs), among them Armscor, Eskom, SAA and Transnet. We don't care how many emoluments and perks they demand for their high-flying consulting roles, as long as they prevent our SOEs from disappearing into black holes and, therefore, reducing the rewards of riding the NGT (National Gravy Train).

If your resources allow at a time of grave polar meltdown (which means little to us with our gas-guzzling cars), perhaps you can orchestrate similar miracles for our ailing state departments, such as Home Affairs.

With crime and other community emergencies increasing, along with our indifference and incompetence, as well as the common folks' confusion about which hotline or helpline to phone in the case of an emergency, please install a multipurpose "666" Hotline-from-Hell service in all communities. Besides eliminating confusion over numbers such as 911, 999 and 1011, at least our dumbfounded electorate won't feel too dejected if they get diabolical service (should they get any assistance at all). Ideally, we should contract Telkom to install our nationwide 666 hotline at whatever fee it wishes, regardless of our business competition framework.

Time to party

This request might be rich, but please reserve our country's finest five-star hotels for the exclusive benefit of us, the ruling elite. Ensure you keep these resplendent palaces of hospitality fully stocked with every conceivable epicure's delight, not to forget massage parlours to de-stress ourselves when we graft too hard. Besides helping to keep our ruling elite and hotel magnates corpulent, this gesture would inject into our tourism sector much-needed financial Viagra before and after FIFA 2010.

Above all, Santa, please bring King Bling and our Blingmeisters every possible form of bling they desire ahead of our 2010 FIFA World Cup celebrations. As for the indigent folk in informal settlements with meagre food, water, energy and hope, please keep their plight obscured from our eyes ... because it's time to party ANC-style ... carefree, crazy and carnal!

With little gratitude and warmish regards

South Africa's Ruling Elite

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