Sunday, October 18, 2009

"She wants to be alone"

Here is a very personal post. I've been struggling with the decision to emigrate. The social implications of such a step will be enormous. I don't see myself belonging in South Africa anymore. However, I've never been to any of the first world countries that I'm investigating as potential immigration destinations. I've found many similarities between our circumstances in South Africa that corresponded with the circumstances in my broken home. I can only hope that the white race will receive me as I was willing to receive my siblings under our difficult circumstances at home.

I have a message that I need to deliver to my siblings, which is very painful. I don't want my brother and sister to hurt again like the time when we were children, after my childhood rape. Their hurt resulted from the circumstances that my parents created in our home environment. We face a similar threat today in our political environment, which has been created by the South African government.

I was too young to understand the sexuality of my rape and I feared for the safety of both my brother and sister. It became obvious that bad things happened when one of us was alone with my parents. The solution to the problem was that we needed to stay together. Unfortunately I was the only one that realized how much damage my parents were capable of doing because my siblings didn't have my experience. Instead of choosing my companionship, and finding solace in one other, they chose the convenience of my parents' company.

My parents didn't want to harm me again after my rape until I was about 10, when my dad began molesting me for the second time in his life. That's also when my dad began molesting my sister for the first time. I witnessed her sexual abuse, which made me feel incredibly helpless.

My siblings and I grew apart. When I was a child I remember repeatedly hearing from my family members that, concerning me, "she wants to be alone." It was when I recovered the repressed memories of my rape that I began to rebuild new bridges with my siblings. When my sister and I described our experiences of abuse to each other I gained an in depth understanding of what happened.

But alas, a new situation began developing in our lives as young adults.

I began working in the South African government at a time when the transition from apartheid to 'rainbow nation' was almost complete. There was a level of mismanagement that I witnessed in my job that was almost unbelievable and it was due to unqualified or inexperienced blacks that were appointed resulting in the restructuring of the previous government posts. I experienced racism, corruption and nepotism that left me feeling nothing short of shocked and my perspective on South Africa's future changed from positive to very grim. South Africa was no longer a country that I was proud of.

Shortly after I began working in the government my sister and brother returned to South Africa with their spouses. They experienced the challenges of living abroad and were only too happy to swallow the propaganda about the "Rainbow Nation" after returning to the comfort of the country of their birth. They settled back in our home town, started their own businesses and each had a few kids.

I've shared my experiences in my work environment with them in the hope that they would keep an open mind regarding the risks of investing in a life in the "New South Africa". I've had the opportunity to implement my plans to leave South Africa for some time now, yet I felt compelled to stay. I had to take care of some unresolved issues but I also had to make sure that my siblings understood the dangers of the new developments in South African politics.

I received the good news last week that my brother-in-law is considering 'disappearing to Germany with the family' and yesterday my brother discussed the possibility of going back to England. I will be elated when they make the move. The sooner the better.

My message to my siblings is simple. As a young child I did not want to be alone. When they reach their destination in their respective new countries, they will be living amongst people that also will not want to be alone. The problems that we experienced in South Africa need to be investigated for the good of the white race. They must not be forgotten.

15 Opinion(s):

Exzanian said...

FE, very honest and frank. Immigration is almost totally about emotion. All I can say is that when you reach that place and you reach the decision, suddenly, it is as if a powerful force lifts you up, obstacles literally melt away, and you have a powerful sense of destiny changing. It was a WOW experience for me (no bravado, I promise you, it's the truth) almost totally positive, no fear whatsoever. I rushed to meet my fate. On a side note, my brother who left 8 years ago decided to go back to SA last year. He was there one year and he is back again in UK.

Vanilla Ice said...

On average, people overseas are sympathetic, but you will cross swords with wankers; and that can make a move very difficult. The experience, I imagine, could be similar to being in an abusive household. Professionally you will be okay, albeit under paid and under appreciated to start. Socially is more difficult. Thankfully there are a lot of Saffers around. You simply have to wake up each morning and climb the ladder. It takes time, a lot of time, and there will be setbacks. But to stay is not an option. The sooner you start the process, the better.

Anonymous said...

Please guys, "emigrate" is "to leave a country", "immigrate" is "to enter a country".

Please try to get it right!

Oh yes, and "African" is NOT an ethnicity, niether is "Asian" or "European" or "American"!

FishEagle said...

Thanks Anon. Having such a heavy issue weighing me down was no excuse to get my semantics wrong :)

Not sure where the whole ethnicity thing comes in though. Care to explain your comment in the context of the post?

FishEagle said...

@Exzanian, I'm nearing that stage of no more fear and being ready to rush ahead to meet my fate. Good to know that I'm on the right track.

@VI. White South Africans have failed their race. Being in SA feels like I'm still living in an abusive household. Staying feels like choosing convenience (in life-style, standard of living, etc.) above principle (unwillingness to contribute to a corrupted white society). I understand that staying is not an option but it was hard to visualize life beyond SA. That is beginning to change, thank goodness.

Anonymous said...

Not in the context of the post FE, but rather the most common mistake on the Blog as a whole AND, yes, I am very grateful for the Blog, but just think the better educated people are, the stronger their arsenal when confonted by those in the West who would rather see White Africans become extinct.
(and confusing emigration and immigration is not a question of semantics but more similar to confusing "add" and "subtract", which I'm sure you wouldn't do)

FishEagle said...

P.S. @VI, I'm anticipating an element in the first world societies that will remind me of the corrupted white society in SA. You have lived outside SA and know how bad that element is (the abusive household analogy). Thanks for giving me a hint of what to expect.

FishEagle said...

Anon, don't worry. Soon there will be one more individual in the "West" that will fight hand, tooth and nail for whites, whether African, European, Australian, American or whatever. (That's just bravado talking now :))

Viking said...

brave and well-written post; I hope you make your decision for the right reasons. Why not move to one of the larger cities in SA for a while?
Moving abroad will only do you good. although I've experienced more disappointments with white people outside of SA.
Aim for Australia, maybe. You might find it more similar to what you're used to than the Northern hemisphere (although I haven't been there, but have been reliably informed). Baby steps!

@Anon 7:07am
please bear in mind that FishEagle's first language is not English.

AMB said...

@FE: I left SA in January last year and headed for Melbourne with only a few suitcases and my two sons (12 and 13 at the time). When I arrived, my first thought was "what have I done?". It can be overwhelming and you do lose part of your identity in a new country. BUT, it's only a matter of time before you settle in and get used to your new life. Luckily, Australia isn't too different to how we grew up in SA and so I agree with Viking that you should maybe consider Oz as you'll slot right in; and contrary to popular opinion, the Ozzies are great people and have a sense of humor. There are plenty of SA's here which also helps. It's also great to be able to speak Afrikaans (even though I'm English speaking) and it just adds to your sense of belonging to a expat community. I believe that if you make the decision to emigrate for the right reasons then you'll be successful wherever you decide to go. It's people who haven't made the decision for the right reasons who inevitably return to SA with rose tinted glasses (only to get a rude awakening!). Good luck and if you do decide to come to Melbourne let me know and I'll help you settle in!!

Doberman said...

A very heartfelt post FE. The emotions you describe most of us felt when we made the decision. None of us wanted to leave, we had to. It will be tough, 90% of expats I meet say it is but I can promise you one thing, if you stick it out, you will wake up one day and look back and realise you made the right decision. Emigration is easiest when the act improves your circumstances. For most, it's a knock back and hence the difficulty of adjusting.

South Africa will always be in your blood, you will visit, you will remain connected, but you must do what is best for you in the long term. Living in SA has too many uncertainties for now. Perhaps it will improve. Perhaps not. But best to see it unravel from a place of safety. Emigration is never permanent, it's not cast in stone, you can always return. Keep that in mind when you leave. Good luck with the move when it happens, we'll be here to support you.

FishEagle said...

AMB & Dobes, thank you very much for the support.

FishEagle said...

Hey Viking, you've heard my English. It's not so bad, hey? Thanks for sticking up for me. (Sorry, I almost forgot to commment on that.)

Islandshark said...

@ FE: I have no doubt you'll make a success of it. Remember, each step out of of that dark place...

Doberman said...

@ anon who just got his/her comments rejected. Please, none of that.