Monday, August 10, 2009

US may have to eat most of Africa’s babies

Johannesburg - Hillary Clinton says Barack Obama's administration considers Africa a sovereign country, and as such it is time for the United States to be honest about the continent's future.

"It's not looking awesome," conceded Clinton. "I probably owe it to you guys to tell you that we're kind of planning to eat most of your babies when we run out of food."

Clinton, who is on her first tour of Africa as Secretary of State, said the country had made massive strides since her last visit.

"When I was here in '99 Africa was just a huge expanse of bush," she said. "There were apple-cores lying everywhere, and the people were very aggressive and lived in tractor tires.

"They would whoop like hell whenever we drove up. One of the tried to have sexual relations with one of my aides. They had to Tazer him. The molester, I mean, not my aide."

South African hosts tried to explain to Clinton that she had been in a chimp sanctuary and not, as she had believed at the time, downtown Johannesburg, but the former First Lady was adamant.

"I'm an American, honey," she said. "We don't make those kinds of mistakes."

But, she said, there had clearly been "massive strides" since then.

"Today I see actual people. I hear them speaking African. It's such a pity it's all got to end so soon."

She said past US administrations had patronized Africa and lied to it, but that those days were over.

“Never again!" she vowed. "We're going to look you straight in the eye as we slowly squeeze your testicles in the vice of international aid, and we're going to give you the respect you deserve when we offload our baby-formula on you.

"And when the tumours come, we’re going to stand shoulder to shoulder with you and sell you the most cutting-edge cancer treatments with only minor premiums attached.

"I have a dream!" she cried.

However, she said, part of the "new dawn of openness" was the tough admission that the US was probably going to run out of food in the next twenty years and that it would have to start eating Africans.

"We'll probably start with the babies, in all fairness," she said. "You get less meat per unit but it's just so tender and fatty."

She concluded by saying that the admission had been made because the US "really respects Africans as human beings".

"But we respect you more as cold cuts," she added.

3 Opinion(s):

Ranger Tom said...

Hmmmm... Done right over a charcoal BBQ, they are quite tasty!

Exzanian said...

Now this is an interesting piece of satire. Compare it to David Bullard's "Africa would not know the difference"
I have a feeling there will be quite an outcry over this one in the back office of Hayibu.

Anonymous said...

@Exzanian: Nah. They're just pointing out that Hillary Clinton isn't Mother Theresa (although she was bad enough.)