Sunday, August 23, 2009

Is Mandela Dead?




Amidst the furore created by the latest report on the Oilgate scandal as revealed by TimesOnline today, a persistent rumour has arisen that Nelson Mandela has been dead for some time.

No less than US president Obama has made a statement implying that deceased Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein murdered Mandela, giving rise to a theory that Mandela has been dead for some time now, given the date of Mr. Hussein's death.

A white house spokesman went on to state..."We at the Administration have reason to believe that there are ties between Saddam Hussein, the world's most evil dictator and the perpetrator of the 9/11 attacks, and has killed Nelson Muh...Nelson Mann, uh...Nelson Masturb, uh...(twenty second pause)...Mandela. Or is it Mandolin?"

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Nelson Mandela foundation has said that when Mr Mandela heard the news he was absolutely incensed at the ignorance displayed by the White House..."He just dropped his cheese and ham sandwich".

The spokesman claimed that Mr Mandela subsequently flooded president Obama's e-mail box with three YouTube videos. One video pictured the moments of Saddam Hussein being hung; another depicted Mandela telling the camera that he is very clearly alive, almost a year after the first video took place, and the third featured a naked obese woman getting tazered.

Obama's response to the first two videos was simple but clear: "I don't know what else those, uh, African witch doctors in Mandela's side of the world can do, but apparently they're real good at video editing."

Obama also asked for the third video clip to be returned to him as he had sent them to Mandela "in uh, er, errm confidence", reluctantly conceding that it was unlikely that anyone else would have received them except Mandela himself.

However, Obama has also stated that "You never know what the fuck those witch doctors can get up to" and has declared a proxy funeral for Mandela in front of the Capital Dome, in which he reportedly plans to bury a Nelson Mandela action figure.

Critics of the Obama administration have been quoted as saying that Obama just cannot accept that he has had almost no good "spin" out of the whole Iraqi/ Middle east war and this is simply a desperate attempt to revive his declining popularity which has been rapidly plummeting in recent polls.

The only response this reporter has been able to obtain from Mr Mandela himself is a single sentence delivered in his characteristic voice over the telephone, "OK, I'm dead. Now fuck off please, I'm going to go finish my goddamn sandwich."

1 Opinion(s):

Doberman said...

Nah, he just smells that way.