Tuesday, July 21, 2009

World celebrates Mandela's 2000th birthday

QUNU. Nelson Mandela has thanked his corporate owners and party commissars for giving him the weekend off so that he could celebrate his 2000th birthday with his family, saying that it was nice to stop making money for other people for a change and to have some birthday cake. Meanwhile his owners have released Mandela's Seven Commandments.

According to official corporate- and ANC lore, Mandela was born on July 18 in 9AD, and laid in a manger in the Eastern Cape because there was no room at the Holiday Inn. He then invented writing, money, and democracy, and as a keen amateur boxer he slew Goliath, won with a technical knockout against Genghis "The Mongolian" Kahn in the sixth round, and invented the George Foreman griller before moving into politics.

In 400AD he felt in his waters that a new evil was rising in the east and summoned an alliance of the free peoples of Middle Earth to ride to the very Black Gate of Mordor to fight Apartheid, mainly because "Black Gate" was clearly a racially pejorative term.

He was tricked by the White Wizard Vorster and chained to a rock for 27 years, where he became wise and forgiving. However he escaped by carving a tunnel behind his poster of Rita Hayworth and bit off F.W. De Klerk's finger to claim the One Ring of Power.

Some of this history is disputed by doctors and revisionist historians, who believe that the icon and statesman is only 91 years old and probably did not lead an army to the Black Gate, a view described by his owners as "deeply disrespectful and almost racist".

According to Remora Mtembu, president of the Madiba Mint Association, a group of businesses dedicated to preserving Mandela's legacy by making large amounts of money off his name, Mandela is a national treasure and had "fully deserved at least half a day off" to celebrate his birthday.

"He brought us freedom," said Mtembu. "The least we could do was let him out of the compound for a day to see his family. He's given us so much. About two million this year, and given that we're in a recession, that's awesome."

He said that Mandela's 2000th birthday had been a chance to acknowledge that he was "bigger than an icon".

"He's so big. He's like a multinational brand. We'd probably put him on a par with McDonalds, Coke or Toyota," he said.

"If we could get Madiba taking a Toyota through a McDonald's drive-through and ordering a Coke, my head would freaking explode."

Meanwhile Mandela's owners – who prefer to be called "loyal supporters", "disciplined cadres" or "Jacob Zuma" – have published a list of seven Commandments relating to Mandela.

Asked if the Seven Commandments had been approved by Mandela, spokesman Profiteer Sitshitshi confirmed that Mandela had "seen the proposal".

"We showed him the page from across the room and he make an approving noise, sort of a throat-clearing," said Sitshitshi. "Frankly he doesn't have time to be reading fine print. We've got him doing 16-hour days. There's a recession, you know?"

According to the document, the Seven Commandments are as follows:

Thou shalt refer to him as Madiba, even if you are white and pronounce it 'Mideeber'.

Thou shalt not let a Madiba-related revenue stream go untapped.

Thou shalt recognize his activism and Nobel Prize, but thou shalt be much more impressed by his appearances alongside such humanitarians as Bono and Bob Geldof.

Thou shalt wear little rubber bracelets saying 46664, even if you don't know why, or where the money's going, or who's spending it, or on what.

Thou shalt ignore some of the more problematic aspects of his presidency, such as his response to HIV-Aids and things he may or may not have once said about giving 14-year-olds the vote.

Thou shalt not listen to any of his past speeches, lest ye realize that, although they were massively important, they were also really, really boring.

Thou shalt try to find ways of making his remaining birthdays symbolic, even if numbers like 92 and 93 are not particularly dramatic.

Mandela was available for comment but his voice-box has been sponsored by various multinationals since 2005 and copyright agreements prevent him from making any statements not pre-recorded or else sanctioned by corporate- or ANC lawyers.

4 Opinion(s):

Viking said...

Fantastic!
rofl

Doberman said...

Very good LOL.

Anonymous said...

Mandela's palm has a very short head line
(palm reading)

Exzanian said...

"Some of this history is disputed by doctors and revisionist historians..."
Ah, just the perfect moment for the Hayibu guys to show some Bollocks and make a veiled reference to terrorism, but they shrank away from it...