Friday, July 24, 2009

Nyanda defends two R1-million cars, not worried about guillotine

PRETORIA. The Ministry of Communications has defended buying two R1.2-million luxury sedans for Minister Siphiwe Nyanda, saying that the country could collapse into anarchy unless Nyanda's buttocks are enveloped by heated leather seats.

Meanwhile the Ministry says it does not fear a backlash from the poor, and has no idea what a guillotine is.

The Ministry, which has failed to fully explain what Communications are because of its profound inability to communicate, raised eyebrows this month when it revealed that it had bought Nyanda two R1.2-million BMWs.

It explained that the former head of the South African Defence Force needed one for use in Cape Town and one for Johannesburg.

It could not explain how Nyanda would get around on official visits to Durban, Port Elizabeth and Bloemfontein, but said that if the General felt "unimportant or dirty" driving a car worth less than R1-million, taxpayers would provide.

This morning Ministry spokesman Millstone Mahlangu said he was confident that the fuss would "soon blow over".

"One of the greatest things about this democracy is the incredibly short attention spans of the masses," he explained.

"We've found that if you keep them poor, they're too busy trying to light paraffin stoves with soggy matches and running away from rapists to keep banging on and on about how their elected officials choose to spend tax revenue."

He explained that Nyanda could use a government issue Toyota for official business, but said that the ANC's science wing had proved that democracy could crumble within months if the buttocks of ministers were not regularly placed on heated leather seats.

"We don't make up the laws of physics," he said. "We make up everything else, but not physics."

Asked why Nyanda couldn't do what the rest of South Africa's private citizens did, and buy a car with his own salary, Mahlangu said he did not understand the question.

"I see your mouth moving, but all I hear is 'Waa waa waaaaa'," he said.

"Yes, Minister Nyanda earns R2-million a year, excluding perks, but he needs that money to buy all the things that every ANC minister must own, such as ill-fitting suits."

Asked if the General and other senior ministers were also using their salaries to beef up their personal security in anticipation of an inevitable backlash from the poor whom they are systematically ignoring, Mahlangu said such comments demeaned the poor.

"You make it sound like the poor are unhappy," he said. "Our science wing has proven that they poor are in fact very happy. That's why they keep voting for us. They're either very happy or very stupid, and obviously we can't say disparaging things about our voters so we must deduce that they are happy."

When journalists showed Mahlangu a picture of a guillotine with an aristocrat's head in a basket next to it, and asked him if he knew what the image represented, he said he had "no idea" as he was "not into snuff porn"

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