Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The winner is....

This is a report from an American judge at the annual NATAL CURRY CONTEST. If you do not crack a smile while reading this, there is little hope............

This is a light hearted look at SA culture – the lighter side of the rainbow nation that , believe it or not, does exist. It is not all doom and gloom and those that voted, depending where you were voting, there was an energy in the air which could only be described as African, and not any African, South African. The people of this beautiful nation are gems and unfortunately, we stand to lose all that , but as I have said , it is time to smile. This is how we treated a visiting American, who wanted to feel the true spirit of this multi cultural nation. Boy, did he not get his buck’s worth.

If you have lived or live in Natal, you know how typical this is.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


Judge # 1– A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 – Nice smooth tomato flavour.

Judge # 3 – (Frank) Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.


Judge # 1– Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge # 2 – Exciting 13130 flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 – Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Judge # 1– Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 – A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge # 3 – Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm, getting pissed from all the beer.


Judge # 1 – Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 – I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Judge # 1 – Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 – Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


Judge # 1 – Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 – My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself I I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone ice-cream.


Judge # 1 – A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 – Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably)

Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Judge # 1 – The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 – This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report.

6 Opinion(s):

Anonymous said...

What rubbish. I see your attitude to American is just like your opinions about South Africa. Hot Sauce, an American favorite, from the southern States is far hotter than your Durban curry.

Tabasco is theirs.

The annual chiili festival is too.

You people are beyond belief.

Do you wake up with this stuff, or do you learn it together.

Anyhow, you elevate ignorance to an art form.

Joe King said...

I am confused , how do you colligate my opinion with regards to america and south africa by a curry contest? Did you know, Tabasco is owned by a SA company! Who are you referring to when you say "You people are beyond believe" You are a very strange person. Welcome to ILUVSA . Hope we hear more from you. And by the way f*ck-face it is Pietermaritzburg curry contest, and not the light weight Durban curry you assumed. Don't confuse the two, get your facts right before assumming. Assumption, is the mother of all f*ck ups.

Anonymous said...

@ Anon. If you could not see the obvious humour, then you must be one of those low IQ retards that are so prevalent in the US nowadays. Get a fucking life, moron.

Anonymous said...

It is just the troll "JP" posting anonymously. Never mind. We'll keep an eye out for him and delete his utterings. What can I tell you. He supports the ANC. 'Nuff said.

Dmitri said...

Sorry for all the spelling errors but I am having trouble seeing the keybaord through the tears in my eyes from all the laughing.

Absolutely fantastic. Have already sent this to a few mates at work.

....... BRILLIANT .......

Anonymous said...

Thanks Joe, this was so good reading it again. I am in pain now thanks to you. My face muscles ache. No matter how many times I read it, it makes me laugh hysterically. Good one.

PS: I'd love to find the one about the Saffa who moved to Colorado and his troubles with the winter. Anybody know the one I mean?