Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe says he will be eternally grateful to South African election monitors for allowing him to pillage his country for as long as he has, and has offered to return the favour by monitoring Wednesday's general election in South Africa, teaching "naïve and idealistic" IEC officials how to set ballot boxes on fire in roadside ditches.
Mugabe has limited his public appearances since hearing of the existence of vampire slayers and has reportedly banned the manufacture of wooden stakes, but he made an exception this morning to open a new factory in Bulawayo.
The factory owners were too frightened to speak to journalists, but it is believed the plant will transform farming equipment, textbooks and medicines into ash and mud. Remarking on Wednesday's election in South Africa, Mugabe said he would always treasure memories of the South African election observers who allowed him to tighten his grip on power in his own country.
He described them as "wonderful young people without the slightest iota of backbone" and thanked Thabo Mbeki for creating a cadre of officials "with their capacity for independent thought surgically removed".
"The best part about them was you didn't need to use force to coerce them," explained Mugabe.
"Whenever it was time to move to go and rig a new polling station their handler would just blow a whistle, and a border collie would round them up into the truck where they would curl up and go to sleep.
" He said he felt "duty-bound to return the favour", adding that South Africa's leaders still had the potential for dictatorial greatness.
"In the heart of every democrat lies an 80-year-old hedonist with one claw-like hand on the reigns of power and the other hand on the rounded nubile young buttocks of nationalist populism," said Mugabe. "The sooner Mr Zuma comes to terms with that reality, the sooner he can dispense with these foolish notions of democracy and accountability.
" He said it was unjust that South Africans, having done so much to entrench his own regime, should still be toiling under the strangling yoke of democracy. However he said he had seen some encouraging signs in recent years, citing the arms deal, the silencing of dissent, and the early release from prison of well-connected politicians.
He conceded that he had been developing Zimbabwe's own arms deal when the Zimbabwean dollar collapsed. "After that, all
Tuesday, April 21, 2009