Wednesday, April 22, 2009

ELECTION 2009: Breaking News

Voting has got underway in South Africa's fourth democratic election, while the Independent Electoral Commission and the police say they are on high alert to make sure that Nandos products do not come within twenty meters of any polling station.

Meanwhile in other breaking news:

*
ANC Youth League President and honorary Viceroy of the Mickey Mouse Club, Julius Malema, is demanding the right to cast a second vote after learning that he had spoiled his vote early this morning.

According to a spokesman, Malema had thought he was required to co
lour in all the blocks on the ballot paper. Observers became suspicious when he entered a booth with a box of wax crayons and spent forty-five minutes inside, quietly humming to himself. * The ANC has asked IEC observers and police to keep an eye out for a voter in white robes with a long beard and "kind eyes". Insiders say the ANC is "deeply concerned" that Jesus Christ could return during the voting process. "Mr Zuma has repeatedly stated that the ANC would rule until Jesus returned," said one.

"It would really rain on his parade if Christ returned in all His glory, perhaps at the Sandton polling station, just as Mr Zuma was getting into his stride." However, so far police said they had not seen anyone resembling Jesus, except for one homeless man in Hillbrow whom they tazered "just in case".


* The South African Communist Party has praised voters and reiterated its support for democratic institutions. "We believe in transparent government," said spokesman Brooklax Trotsky. "A government you can see right through. God knows we plan to look right through the ANC once we're in power again. And the awesome thing is we didn't even need to be on the ballot paper."

* Residents of the Cape Flats in Cape Town have promised to vote for the Democratic Alliance if Helen Zille promises never to dance again in public. "When she dances I throw up a little bit in my mouth," said Denzil September. "Crime is really bad here, and people need jobs. But most of all they need Helen to stop dancing. You can see the hope just draining out of their faces when she starts dancing."

* Police and IEC officials have slammed a presiding officer who was arrested at his Ulundi poling station this morning for being in possession of a box of market ballot papers. "We simply cannot accept clumsy fraud like this," said an outraged police spokesman. "Sophisticated fraud, yes, but if you're going to rig an election at least do us the courtesy of being clever about it. Fiddle the numbers. Ditch boxes of legitimate ballots. But this is just stupid. That's what really hurts."

* Independent Democrats leader Patricia de Lille says she was speaking metaphorically when she vowed that the ID would get a million votes. Speaking in the ID heartland of Cape Town, where eleven people have been seen wearing ID T-shirts, De Lille said that by "one million" she had "actually meant about 300,000".

"The media is so literal-minded," she said. However she vowed that in the next election in 2014 the ID would garner 300 million votes.

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