Me, dead - never

There are times when you are being told a story and as you listen, you realize that truth is stranger than fiction. There are certain yarns that you know nobody can fabricate. It is impossible to concoct the unbelievable truth to such a degree, and it happens on our door step daily. From corrupt officials, a failed society, quiet diplomacy and all the other bullsh*t we deal with on a daily basis to the implementation and execution of true African logic, we are living in a very bad joke. I for one do not have the punch line, but long jokes tend not to be amusing.

The following report is similar to the episode that took place at a well known insurance company in Joeys, where the family of the deceased left the body in reception because there was a problem with the funeral insurance pay out. It seems as if word has got around – so beware of being scammed by a corpse.

This report is about true African logic at work. In any other country in the world, the deceased are not entitled to pension. Hey but this is the rainbow nation, anything goes!

Johannesburg - Three women allegedly strapped a dead man to a wheelchair to claim his pension money from the Post Office, Beeld newspaper reported on Wednesday. (Eish – on a hot summers day…..)

"He didn't look so great," a witness told the Afrikaans daily. (He is f*cking dead – you idiot)

Alas, I smell a rat - No doubt there was a shortfall of R960.00 and this is their story and they are sticking to it. (No cuntstable , I gave the money to the dead man, ask him! )

The women apparently "borrowed" a wheelchair from the Post Office in Witbank, Mpumalanga and strapped the man by the waist and legs to the wheelchair. (typical, no stretchers available)

"When the women were told that he did not look very comfortable, the one held the man's head in her hands but it just fell forward," ( Oops, don’t you hate that when it happens) said Beeld's source who did not want to be named.

(The astute and alert ) Post Office clerks refused to hand over the pension money because it was obvious that the man was dead said the source. (Ney – he was just in a very deep and permanent slumber)

But the women pleaded, saying they did not have money to bury him. (Who said you can’t take it with you)

A supervisor (who had to be woken up unnecessarily) then made a print of the corpse's thumb on a receipt slip and handed the women R960.

The women carried (in a wheelchair-what do you call a wheelchair without wheels?) the corpse back to a car and returned the Post Office's wheelchair.

The incident happened on March 6. (Which means he had probably been dead for a few days, otherwise he would have collected his pension on the 1st day of the month, mmmm!)

The SA Social Security Agency's spokesperson, Senzeni Ngubeni, said it was investigating the matter. (Isn’t it a crime to abuse a corpse – tying him up and all that) Senzeni asked the public to be on the lookout for a seventy year old corpse driving red Polo, with ink stains on his left thumb and ligature marks on his wrists and ankles to assist them with the investigation.

The public have been asked not to apprehend this villain as he could be armed and dangerous.

Don’t you just love the African way!