Completely lawless chaotic hell of Joburg traffic…

Johannesburg used to be an orderly First World city. They used to call it the “Golden City”.

But these days Johannesburg is quite chaotic. You can hardly drive through any part of Johannesburg anymore without coming across traffic lights that aren’t working.

The black taxi drivers of South Africa are known for their terrible driving, their constant breaking of the rules of the road and for their bad manners, and even, for their murder of others.

I want to show you something that happens quite often in Johannesburg these days. We are so used to the rules of the road being broken that these days we can handle a lot of driving situations which I think people in the Western world would find unbelievable. But there comes a time when even we face new situations that border on the bizarre.

See pics below:

I work in several buildings for the bank I work for. I commute as is necessary to attend meetings and to visit different business units. Last friday was relatively quiet for me. I had 2 meetings on my calendar and looked forward to a relatively orderly day in our Randburg offices. Then at lunch time as I checked my calendar, I realised that I had an afternoon meeting in the Johannesburg CBD (Central Business District, or as Americans might call it, “The Inner City”). So I dashed off for the meeting and then worked on my laptop at those offices for the rest of the afternoon.

At 5pm I wanted to go home when I noticed two men had remained on in the office. They told me that the traffic outside was hideous and they would rather stay late. I was familiar with the complete breakdown in traffic in that part of Johannesburg. I’d seen it before. There are 3 city blocks where you can struggle for close to an hour to cross 3 traffic lights. It is very close to Diagonal street where the old stock exchange building was, on the way to the Queen Elizabeth bridge.

The situation there can become completely unbelievable. It is in that part of Johannesburg that I learned to become a savage driver - a barbarian just like those black taxi drivers. I used to be a quiet driver. I never used by hooter (horn) for 20 years. But now I’m up there with the best of them. I can push and shove to such a degree that even the black taxi drivers make way for me.

And on this day, I learned a new trick - how to intimidate them all with my digital camera!

I decided I was not waiting an hour or more for the traffic hell to resolve itself. The sooner I got on the road, the sooner I’d get home. But I grabbed my camera and decided to take the opportunity to take these photos. Nobody has ever before recorded what I’m about to show you in these photos below. Check it out. It is amazing I never had an accident on this day.

Here I am, in the main road where all hell breaks loose. These white minibus taxis are the “Black taxis” we refer to. These are the main transport of the black people. This institution was created by President PW Botha during Apartheid. This was the most successful experiment in Black Capitalism on the entire African continent. These guys do good work - the only problem is - they do it like flipping ruthless savages.

This guy on the left was trying to shove his way in front of my car. I’ve learned that one is really foolish to give anyone right of way. If you let one guy in, then a whole bunch of them will shove their way in and you could end up standing still while everyone shoves in front of you and abuses your kindness. So now I shove back. This guy was hanging out of his window gesturing and wanting to get in. I held up my camera and took photos of him, and that intimidated him into behaving better and looking for a better spot to shove in.

And so we shove our way forward. Take a good look in this photo. The traffic lights are all working on this day, and now they are GREEN for go… but the road is blocked because the cars in the road crossing ours are completely indifferent to us. You can see a van blocking our progress. It is these incredibly selfish bad manners which causes the entire Johannesburg road system in the CBD to come to a TOTAL GRINDING HALT. Everyone shoves across, even when they shouldn’t drive, and then when the lights change the road crossing it is blocked. Everyone is caught in a TOTAL GRIDLOCK caused by this insane shoving.

Of course, there is not a Policeman in sight, not a Traffic Policeman anywhere… nobody from the JMPD… nothing… It's just this chaotic hell.

The light is green again, we can go, except for that white pickup truck blocking the rightmost lanes.

The light is green for us, but do you see the pedestrian crossing quite nonchalantly between the two cars in front of me? (Oh, in South Africa black pedestrians don’t care… they cross roads when they feel like it… The other day, the light was red for the pedestrian but she crossed as slowly as possible causing me to wait while she sidled along as it pleased her, even though the light for me was green… This is quite common).

Study these photos carefully. You’ll see that the previous 2 photos and the next 2 are taken at the same traffic light. All the time, the light is green for me, but pedestrians are walking across willy nilly as it suits them. And you can see that even in the road in front of us, other cars continue crossing DESPITE IT BEING RED. Do you see now there are black taxis blocking the road?

Now there are black taxis blocking the centre and the left of the road, and only the ones on the right are managing to cross. Kindly note, in all this time, the traffic lights are green for us, but we can barely move! (Although, on this day, I was pushing and shoving like MAD and I prided myself on getting through this hell in a mere 20 minutes - a record - previously I’d been stuck at these three traffic lights for as much as 45 minutes!). On this day I was driving extremely aggressively while holding my camera in the faces of black taxi drivers and snapping them. They could see my camera’s flash going off.

I get across one traffic light. At the next one, the light is green for me, but black pedestrians are merrily crossing while other black taxis have turned into the road.

The next photo is out of sequence. It is at the previous traffic light. But again, see the lights are green for us, and taxis are physically barring the way for us.

This guy on the left wanted to shove his way in front of me, but I just photographed him and I just moved my car to a few centimetres from the bumper of the car in front of me. I won. I drive like they do, like a raving lunatic. Its the only way…

Oh yeah, and here is a black guy with a trolley who sidles DIAGONALLY across the road… not bothered at all… Note the green traffic lights…

It's green for me to go… but… my way is completely blocked by these completely unmannered drivers from hell…

So now I drive like a lunatic… a complete lunatic like them… I force my way across the road. The light is green for me, but I can’t cross, so I go half way. I know when the light changes I’ll be stuck in the middle of the road, but its the only way to cross… If I don’t do this, I’ll be stuck here for the next hour…

I’m right up against him. Note, the light is still green for me…

He sees me taking photos… smile… for the camera…

Finally… across the 2nd traffic light…

Zebra crossing? What’s that? Black pedestrians walk anywhere the hell they please… any time it so pleases them…

More black pedestrians just walking and crossing at any angle, anywhere the mood takes them.

So these black taxis are trying to shove their way into our lane. Then, suddenly, the taxi driver on the left decides: What the hell, I would like to chat to someone. So he gets out of his taxi and walks over to talk to someone. Note the taxi on the left, the door is slightly open and the driver has gone…

Here is a closeup of his door, which you can see is open, and there’s no driver. But take a look at the message he has painted on his door: “Mind your own business”. The cheeky bugger! And that’s pretty much their darned attitude…

And finally, Mr “Mind your own business” walks back to his taxi and gets in, while a black lady decides: What the heck… I think I’ll cross here…

A few minutes after this I got over the third traffic light and drove home. But I had a lot of close calls during this drive, with cars mere centimetres away from me. I’m amazed I did not have an accident. Most amazing of all is I got through this in 20 minutes. But that’s only because I know when to drive like a complete pig.