South Africa's finance ministry says the country can avoid a deep recession by embracing South African Airways' new business model of exporting large quantities of illicit narcotics directly to major transit hubs.
According to a spokesman it was high time that taxpayers got a return on their involuntary investment in the international drugs trade.
Two SAA crews have been arrested in recent months for trying to smuggle narcotics into the UK, and this morning Finance Ministry spokesman Shekel Sepeng said that it was likely that more crews were smuggling drugs.
"We don't have exact numbers but it seems to be pretty clear that everyone's doing it," said Sepeng. "They've stopped two SAA crews, and found drugs on both. That means 100 percent of the crews sampled have been smuggling drugs.
In other words, he said, it was statistically likely that 100 percent of all SAA crews were involved as drug mules. "That's a lot of crews, and an awesome quantity of drugs. We're talking tons. Entire Boeing 747s stuffed to bursting with A-grade s**t.
" He said that it was time for South Africans to benefit from the drug trade. "Clearly SAA is a major cartel in the international narcotics business, but even though the South African taxpayer has been bailing them out for years, none of that sweet sugar has trickled down to the man on the street," he explained. He said that the Finance Ministry was confident that SAA's trafficking system could be successfully expanded as they already seemed to have in efficient business model in place.
"As far as we can tell they take your suitcase, throw it over the wall to baggage handlers who rip it open and auction your clothes to the highest bidder, and then they replace your suitcase with a massive brick of skunk." However he said SAA would need to boost its intellectual capital if it was to lift South Africa out of an impending recession.
"The problem is that we also seem to be dealing with startlingly stupid people," he said. "Any air crew can get bust trying to smuggle coke and marijuana into Heathrow. But for another crew to get caught just a few weeks later, when they know Heathrow officials are looking out for dodgy SAA crews, well that's just borderline retarded.
" SAA officials could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman at their head office confirmed that they were currently meeting to discuss a way forward. "It's just a standard get-together in a warehouse at the docks," he said. "As far as I know they're actioning a strategy to grow SAA's market share on UK routes. Something about leaving horses' heads in the beds of British Airways executives."
Thursday, February 19, 2009