Monday, February 23, 2009

New SA Rand Launch

Due to the political and financial stability achieved in Zimbabwe between Morgan “ organ grinder monkey” Tsvangarai and the compassionate Dr Robert “happy birthday” Gabriel Mugabe, the South African government has passed an urgent bill in parliament that will link the ailing SA rand to the Zim dollar (see new note at bottom of page) The historical land mark decision was adopted by Trevor Manuel and his wife Maria after skinny dipping in their luxury heated Olympic size swimming pool at their Carl Niehaus sponsored homestead in the fairest of the Capes, commonly known by those not residing there as “Slaap Stad

When the reporter Mr Noitall Swimmingala from the anti-government Gauteng based tabloid, The Sowetan, questioned the ever elegant and charming Mr Manuel on as how he conceived this great national economy recovery plan, he said his wife, Maria told him that Zimbabwe has always been the forerunner in as far as the financial world trends are concerned. He stated, as he tugged on and adjusted the cuffs his Dior suit, that the Zimbabwean monetary policy has always been light years ahead of the rest of the world. He noted that while the world was “living it up’, the Zimbabweans were already discovering new ways to survive in a dark gloomy million percent inflation, cholera infected government induced recession.

Mr Manuel went on to iterate that the planned collapse of the world financial sector was sparked by the Zimbabwe crisis as the key holders to the global village have always followed the current climate trend as prescribed by the, as Mr Manuel lovingly described him, “The Zim financial wiz kid “ Mr Mugabe. “If you want to see South Africa in two years, take a trip across the Limpopo to the bread basket Mr Manual was quoted as saying.

Unfortunately Mr Mugabe was unable to attend this great moment in history, as he celebrating his solacetic and demure Australian government sponsored $285 000.00 birthday bash singing the chinese karaoke version of the old Woody Guthrie hit, “This land is mine” to his felicitous and cheerful designer bikini clad model material wife, Grace, at his modest eighty room dwelling in Harare.

Mr Tsvangarai, who is a VIP blue light guest of esteemed honour, was rumoured to be on back up vocals, disguised as a teen age doo-wap girl. Apparently Mr Tsvangarai will not make it through to the next round of the birthday bash karaoke singing contest as Mr Tsvangarai is constantly singing a different tune. This came as a shock to Mr Tsvangarai’s Zanu-pf supporters as he has other anxieties to deal with.

Mr Mugabe did however send one his top executive, counseling and group therapy aids, the honorable chief judge president executive financial and personal adviser Dr Sangoma “I put a spell on you” Samuel Mumbengegwi who was not invited to the karaoke birthday party, as he was eliminated in the first round, to sanctify the agreement.

Mr Manuel put the business community at ease when asked about the 6 billion rand loan to Zimbabwe and said that the loan will only be settled securely and unconditionally when the new currency comes into circulation at 12:00 on 1st March 2009. “We will also be paying the contractors of the world cup venue R70 000.00 bonus for completion and strike relief with the new currency. “ he was quoted as saying.

Mr Manuel, who throughout the launch was incessantly looking at his limited edition “countdown to Armageddon” Rolex watch, ,briefly thanked all those present and said that he and his lovely wife Maria are off to Lisbon on an extended holiday to take care of their newly acquired Ocean Basket franchise after he has completed his audition for Egoli and gratefully will not be flying with the constantly delayed international drug carrier.

The evening ended with the unveiling of the new rand to the sounds of gunshots followed by a scream and the police band leader playing a recording of the Koos Kombuis version of the once popular hit “Ons vir jou Siud Afrika” on a borrowed battery operated ghetto blaster connected to an stolen/recoverd ipod.

Julius Malema who woke up with a fright after a dipsomaniac nap at the end of the lavish affair, when approached for comment had this to say” MM, yes mm, uh I will kill for Zuma, mm yes we must, all mm. yes –where the f*ck am I- Oh' yes everybody will be a millionaire- Vote CNA - Amada!"

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