Obama given nuclear launch codes, Oprah's phone number
WASHINGTON D.C. With his inauguration just hours away, Barack Obama has reportedly been entrusted with the launch codes to the United States' nuclear arsenal and Oprah Winfrey's cell phone number.
White House staff confirmed that once the new President was sworn in he would also be handed vouchers for dry-cleaning and takeout pizza, as well as a petrol card.
The launch codes and Winfrey's personal digits are considered the two most powerful sets of numbers in the world, and Washington insiders agree that they will present President Obama with unparalleled destructive capabilities.
However Deputy Minister of Defense Shalom Tofu said that President Obama was eager to usher in a new era of diplomacy and tolerance, and would therefore probably favour Oprah over nuclear war in any showdown with the enemies of the United States.
"I think if it came to that, we'd see President Obama going Oprah instead of going nuclear," said Tofu. "Given the choice between hundreds of thousands of deaths and hundreds of thousands of clichés, I think he'd be more comfortable dealing out the clichés.
" He added that Obama was not avoiding conflict, but rather that he understood that most regimes were "actually just really sad inside" because they were fat or lonely or recently divorced, or were suffering from post-natal depression, or inadequate feminine hygiene.
"North Korea, Syria, Zimbabwe: these are places that really just want someone to listen to them and to give them a hug while they have a really good cry," said Tofu. "That's a potential scenario for a tactical deployment of Oprah, yes, for sure.
" White House secretary, Major Domo L'Uomo, also confirmed that Obama would be issued with presidential perks such as vouchers for dry-cleaning and takeout pizza, as well as a petrol card.
"Obviously there's more to being President than getting free stuff, but not a lot more," said L'Uomo, adding that Obama's vouchers would be redeemable anywhere within the Washington DC area, and were good for at least three months.
"If we weren't in a recession he'd probably also get a bottle of sparking grape juice on his pillow tonight and a bonbon for the wife, but the slowdown has hit all of us so they'll probably get a Coke and grape."
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