Monday, January 26, 2009

Tycoon Sexwale confirms strong anti-witch stance

JOHANNESBURG. Billionaire tycoon Tokyo Sexwale has confirmed that he is constantly on the lookout for witches trying to infiltrate is organization, and has asked all corporate employees to wear cloves of garlic at all times.

Sexwale's belief in witchcraft emerged on the weekend when he accused COPE of performing black magic on ANC members to make them defect.

The allegations were made as Sexwale addressed an ANC rally outside Port Elizabeth on the weekend, and were widely quoted in local media.

According to website IOL, Sexwale accused COPE of leading elderly ANC supporters astray. "Our mothers are taken, house to house…these people are performing witchcraft on our mothers," Sexwale was quoted as saying.

"You can't have respect for people who u
se older people in that fashion." It is not yet clear whether he endorses using older people in any other fashion.

This morning a spokesman for Sexwale confirmed that the tycoon had "always been strongly anti-witch".
"Mr Sexwale is a realist and a rationalist," said spokesman Ponzi Qozo.

"He didn't forge a business empire by being naïve.
"He understands that bull markets are caused by friendly water sprites and that bear markets are the work of witches.

He said that there were "clearly some very powerful witches at work" in American and European markets.

"Everyone is looking at balance sheets, when really they should be looking in their basements," said Qozo.

"We've been adamant for some time: just look under the boiler or in the air ducts at Merrill Lynch or Lehman Brothers and you'll find a jackal's foot or a calabash full of dried frogs.

" He said that Sexwale had always been clear on the danger posed by witches infiltrating the corporate world, and that the company owed it to its shareholders to be vigilant.

He confirmed that at least five employees and nine interns had been suspended since 2007 for "levitating furniture, making their eyes glow, speaking out of the bottoms, or causing people in neighboring cubicles to get bad lack and low sex drive", and said that Sexwale had recently ordered reinforced window panes to prevent witches from flying into the building.

"Business is about making tough decisions," said Qozo. "That's how we operate here.

If a deal floats, then it's a witch. If it sinks, then it's a good investment and we buy in, with an exorcism clause.

He would neither confirm nor deny that Sexwale's company was about to launch an aerosol witch repellant that could also be used on COPE supporters.

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