Zimbabwe Air Force balloons scrambled ahead of British invasion

HARARE. Zimbabwe has mobilized its entire air force – three unmanned weather balloons that can be set on fire near enemy aircraft – to meet an expected attack of airborne suicide-homosexuals from the United Kingdom.

This morning Robert Mugabe warned Britain that at most three of its bombers would be "severely singed" if they strayed into his airspace.

The mobilization of the ZAF follows weekend revelations from the Zimbabwean Ministry of Information that the non-existent outbreak of cholera currently not ravaging the country was caused by a biochemical attack by Britain.

Addressing journalists from his communications bunker outside Harare this morning,

Mugabe said that he had placed the Air Force on high alert after receiving credible intelligence that the Royal Air Force was about to drop suicide-homosexuals on strategic targets across the country.

He reassured the media present that they were safe as the bunker had been reinforced with three Sealy Posturepedic mattresses nationalized from the home of Mrs Jessica Stevens of Jacaranda Crescent, Harare.

According to Mugabe the ZAF weather balloon fleet can reach an altitude of 500 meters, which would "render any Royal Air Force incursion as impotent as Tony Blair and his bondage gimp Gordon Brown".

When it was put to him that RAF bombers would probably enter Zimbabwean airspace at about 12,000 meters, Mugabe explained that this was impossible as no human being could survive exposure to the deep cold of outer space, which started at about 600 meters above sea level.

He also said that Zimbabwean scientists had proved that Heaven started at 1,000 meters, and that God's kingdom would provide "natural cover" against British air power. "Basically if you fly above 1,000 meters you will explode against Heaven's celestial Vibrocrete wall," explained Mugabe.

However he conceded that the three flammable weather balloons were probably not an ideal defence against the Royal Air Force, but said that the ZAF's other three aircraft, crop-dusters armed with pesticides that could cause mild skin irritations, were currently not operational after running out of petrol in mid-flight and experiencing "non-scheduled gravity events resulting in flame-related damage".

He would not confirm or deny reports that the ZAF also has one Lear business jet with enough fuel on board for a one-way flight to Switzerland, a hold stocked with tinned food and foreign currency, and a heart-shaped revolving bed under a large poster of the Village People.