Zimbabwean tyrant Robert Mugabe says there is no cholera outbreak in his country, and has also announced that Heidi Klum is his girlfriend.
The news has reportedly left long-time partner Thabo Mbeki heartbroken.
"Robert said he was always working late because of the cholera," sobbed Mbeki. "Now I hear it wasn't cholera. It was that German hussy."
Mugabe's announcement this morning was briefly delayed after it was discovered that a herd of goats was grazing on the drapes in the media briefing room of the Presidency.
However once the goats were removed with teargas the media were treated to a breakfast comprising one egg shared between 43 people and bacon harvested from the front grille of Mugabe's limousine.
"There is no cholera in Zimbabwe," said Mugabe, sipping on a smoothie made from the stem cells of babies. "It is lies. And also Heidi Klum is my girlfriend.
" He confirmed that there had been a small outbreak reported in certain rural regions, but that Zanu-PF doctors had identified the disease as homosexuality and would be treating affected people with invigorating beatings with truncheons and subscriptions to the Zimbabwe Herald.
However he said it was much more important that the world recognised that Heidi Klum was now his girlfriend.
Asked if he was making it up, Mugabe said he did not need to invent girlfriends when he could order them over the Internet.
Meanwhile jilted partner Thabo Mbeki said he had held out a vain hope that Mugabe had been talking about him and not the German supermodel.
"Robert has all sorts of names for me," sobbed a devastated Mbeki. “Thabo, Thabo-baby, Thabsickle, The Hotness, Gwyneth, The Great Apologist. Things like that. "I just though 'Heidi Klum' was a new one.
" He said he "should have seen it coming", adding that Mugabe had been working long hours lately and had seemed increasingly distant.
"I thought it was the cholera," said Mbeki. "I feel so embarrassed, as if the whole world is laughing at me." Asked about his future with Mugabe, Mbeki said he had always felt a special connection with the Zimbabwean.
"That's why I sold every last shred of moral high ground the ANC had after 1994 to keep him out of the International Criminal Court in The Hague," said Mbeki. "Now I realise I was just like Amy Winehouse and he was like Blake.
They wanted to make him go to rehab in The Hague, but I said no, no, no. "But now I'm not sure."
Thursday, December 11, 2008