Barack Obama has confirmed that Kenya will be admitted as the 51st State of the United States, triggering scenes of wild celebration and general cultural and moral decline in Nairobi this morning.
Meanwhile lawmakers from Idaho and Arizona, wearing bed sheets and waving pitchforks, have announced that their states are leaving the Union.
Cradled by his wife Michelle and watched over by three wise men and a group of shepherds who had been abiding in the fields, Obama promised change, starting with the annexation of Kenya.
"Change is coming to America," he said. "Probably in low-budget Air Kenya Soviet-built airliners. "And in Nissan trucks. And a couple of boats."
He urged Americans not to panic, adding that what he had seen of Kenya from behind tinted bulletproof glass looked "lovely". "Where else in the world can you look out of your window and see the eternal battle between predator and prey, life and death, the circle of life? "And that's just an average day in a Nairobi back alley."
For their part Kenyans have celebrated the news of their imminent American citizenship with joyful outbursts of singing, dancing and ethnic murder.
Meanwhile federal authorities in the states of Idaho and Arizona, where John McCain had strong support, have confirmed that they are preparing to secede from the Union. According to Idaho Governor Butch Cassidy the legislature had voted unanimously to leave the Union.
"We asked for a show of burning torches and pitchforks, and it was pretty much everyone," said Cassidy. He said that he was currently in talks with the leadership of Arizona to establish a two-state Union.
"Technically all you need to be called the United States is two states that are united," he said.
"We haven't got a name yet, but it might be something like 'the United States of America
The Way It Was In 2007'.
"Or maybe 'The Way It Was In 1865', depending on what the voters say."