Tell us the truth, Mr President

Motlanthe spills the beans to adoring standard 9 kids.

Teacher: Good morning grade 9s. Do I have a surprise for you! The new president of South Africa, Kgalema Motlanthe, is about to speak to you. He doesn’t want to be aloof like his predecessor. And he has chosen Sjambok High. Sipho, get a glass of water for our speaker, please. (Tammy quickly slips a truth tablet into the glass while nobody is looking.)

President M: I am a loyal and disciplined member of the African National... (the truth tablet suddenly takes effect) okay, okay, let’s cut the crap. Man, did I pull this one off, or what?

All my life I wanted to get this job and here I am. Jacob Zuma was just a battering ram to get rid of Mbeki. My life’s dream has come true! You know, I was the one who pushed Comrade Thabo Mbeki to stand for a third term, knowing that he would get clobbered at Polokwane. Man, I’m good!

Lebo: Oh no, Mr President! They say you are humble and self-effacing, always putting the party first. Now you tell us you are just like the rest?

Sipho: My dad says you are a snake.

President M: Ha, ha, but a live snake. It is dead snakes, like Mbeki, who must be buried. By the way, I gave that line about the snakes to Comrade Zuma...hee, hee...yet all the while, I was the poisonous one.

Sello: Mr President, shouldn’t you put the interests of the country first?

President M: Grow up my boy! Say after me: “aloota continua!”

Tammy: Mr President, you are the first honest politician I have ever met. Tell us more.

President M: We knew we had to make some changes, like dropping that lily- livered Manto Tshabalala-Msimang.

Tammy: But you put her in the presidency?

President M: Don’t you understand, girl? That is where we drop the sycophantic clowns, like Essop Pahad, who will say anything to keep their jobs.

We used to call them ministers without portfolio, but they discovered they really did not have portfolios, so we decided to make this non-job a little more subtle with a fancy title like minister in the presidency. That way, they think they have a serious job but we give them things we do not really care about, like the Paralympics.

Sipho: You said you wouldn’t change any policies of the previous government. (The pill reaches maximum effect)

President M: Of course, I am not going to change policies, but people need to think we care about the poor, so we will encourage words like “revolution” and “counter-revolutionary”, in spite of the fact that this is a wonderful capitalist state.

That is why us leaders all drive expensive cars and earn huge salaries. But do you really think I am going to wreck my career by turning the poor against me?

Tammy: Do you have any advice for future leaders?

President M: Rule No 1: Don’t give the impression that you want to the job. Hang back, look disinterested. That is how those silly comrades like Tokyo Sexwale and Cyril Ramaphosa got into trouble. They were so eager to rush forward, Comrade Mbeki had to accuse them of plotting against him. Look at Mathews Phosa, he can hardly contain himself, falling all over Comrade Zuma. (The truth tablet begins to lose its effect)

President M: I am a loyal and disciplined member of the...

Tammy: Oh, puhleeeze!