Schabir Shaik rushed to spa for emergency massage

Friday Parody

Schabir Shaik, the jailed former business advisor of Jacob Zuma, has been rushed from his suite at the Sandton Southern Sun Correctional Facility to a spa where a team of aromatherapists is standing by to perform an emergency massage.

According to medical advisors Shaik had complained of chest pains after resting a tray of prawns on it for most of yesterday evening

Speaking to journalists outside the spa, Dr Sparkles Goodhead, 19, said that the next few hours would be critical.

"In cases like this time is of the essence. And also essence of thyme," said Goodhead.

She said that she and her team, a dedicated squad of 19-year-olds trying to put themselves through university by doing aromatherapy and pole-dancing, were also waiting for a donor to become available.

"When we find a donor, whether it's a corporate or an individual, then they basically rush an ice-box over here in an ambulance," she said.

Asked what would be in the ice-box, she said it was "highly technical" but added that its contents would include a "magnum of medicinal carbonated grape extract, known in the industry as 'champagne', and three or four steaks".

She said that a selection of lung fumigation devices, known as 'cigars', would also be administered orally over a period of several hours.

She said that Shaik was in no immediate danger, but confirmed that his blood pressure had been fluctuating wildly all morning between normal, average, not unusual, ideal, reassuring and fine.

"Obviously it's a worry," said Goodhead. "We've also hooked him up to a heart monitor and it keeps going beep.

"It's very stressful for Mr Shaik to know that there's something in his chest making rhythmic beeping sounds.

"Meanwhile Shaik's legal team has released a statement calling for the immediate release of their client.

"We have grave concerns for the health of Mr Shaik," it read.

"We believe it is now only a matter of weeks until his body gives in, or at least until he gets severe gas from a combination of prawns and pina coladas.

"No human being can be expected to live in these conditions, especially when DSTV keeps showing reruns and the sponge they use for his sponge-baths is all scratchy, and the girl who brings in the flowers every morning refuses to tell him her name or give him her phone number.

"Give Schabir Shaik freedom, or give him death!

But ideally freedom."