Rand collapse prompts ANC to sell Lekota body parts

The slump in South Africa's currency this week has forced the government to reevaluate its major spending projects.

However it has denied that it will either return some warships for a small refund or stage the 2010 World Cup in a Brakpan parking lot, and has vowed to fund both events with money raised by selling Mosiuoa Lekota's organs.

The rand sank to its lowest level in 3,000 years on Wednesday, prompting calls for calm from the Finance Ministry as the wives of BEE tycoons ran screaming through the streets of Sandton, tearing at their braids and clawing at their eyes.

In a statement released yesterday, Finance Minister Trevor Manuel conceded that the country's capital reserves had dwindled to approximately $23 or R360-billion at current exchange rates, but reassured the public that all 23 of the one-dollar bills were safe and sound in a book somewhere in his home.

He also confirmed that until the crisis blew over South Africa would pay its debts with cowry shells, wampum, salt and virgins.

He said Zimbabwe had been paying Eskom for electricity with virgins and twigs for some time now, and that while not ideal, it was a show of good faith.

However he also warned South African consumers to be on the lookout for counterfeit Zimbabwean virgins, saying that anyone who thought they might have been given a counterfeit virgin should hold her up to a light to look for a watermark.

Manuel could not attend this morning's press conference at the Finance Ministry as he was reportedly dealing with a domestic crisis involving his domestic worker, a vacuum cleaner, and South Africa's reserve of foreign capital, but spokesman Blingford Xenge reiterated the government's message that there was no reason to panic.

"We acknowledge that it is now going to be difficult to pay for all our new ships as well as for the 2010 World Cup infrastructure," he told gathered media.

"But there are contingencies in place. "We have come to an arrangement with King Mswati of Swaziland, long my his tribe increase and his phallus grant new life, and King Goodwill Zwelithini of the Zulus, who have both agreed to lend us virgins from their vaults at preferential rates.

" However, he said, if investors lost confidence in virgins, the ANC was working on a variety of contingency plans to fund both spending projects.